Well, Pin A Rose On His Nose: Uncle Jesse Found “Not Guilty”

Posted by Moxie on July 15th, 2010

NEW YORK - APRIL 25: Actor John Stamos and Liza Minnelli attend the Broadway Opening of 'Promises, Promises' at Broadway Theatre on April 25, 2010 in New York City. (Photo by Andrew H. Walker/Getty Images)

Of what, you ask innocently, wondering what heinous deeds could be committed by a man who is able to grow such a lustrous mullet. Why, sleeping with 17-year-olds and doing cocaine with strippers! You know, the usual.

Allison Coss, 24, and Scott Sippola, 31, were convicted of conspiracy and using email to threaten a person’s reputation (that last one’s a crime now? Frick!). They began e-mailing John Stamos last year, demanding sums totaling $680,000, claiming that if he didn’t pay, they would turn over photos to the police that proved he had had attempted to have sex with a then-underage Coss during spring break in 2004. According to the couple, Stamos went on a coke-and-stripper binge, then tried to get it on with Coss in a hot tub. The only photo that exists is a pretty innocent one, of a tipsy-looking Stamos hugging Coss in the classic “I’m taking a picture with a fan” pose.

Here’s Stamos’ statement from after the conviction:

“I would like to thank the court, the FBI and the US Attorney’s office for their swift and efficient dealings in connection with this case.

“I am shocked and perplexed how individuals could fabricate so many false stories in an effort to defend a crime. I agreed to be a witness for a federal criminal prosecution and endured countless false accusations about my behavior and appropriateness.

“The allegations made regarding an inappropriate relationship are completely untrue. These slanderous allegations to smear my reputation were part of their defense to redirect attention away from the federal crime of extortion. There was no hot tub, no drugs, no nudity and nothing sexual in nature involved in my friendship with this woman. They lied about everything from a pregnancy to compromising photos.

“I’m grateful these two criminals have been found guilty and I plan to go home to be with my family and friends and prepare to get back to work.”

I totally believe him. Do coke, strippers, and jailbait banging sound like the word of someone capable of such beauty as this:

Category: Celebrity Scandal, Legal Woes, Moxie