The Situation Will Make You Wet

Posted by Moxie on June 14th, 2010

Mike 'The Situation' Sorrentino arrives at the Country Music Television Awards in Nashville, Tennessee on June 9, 2010. UPI/Alexis C. Glenn Photo via Newscom

…with blood as it spills out of your ears because, oh mein Gott in Himmel, he’s releasing a rap song.

This is the tactic of pretty much every sexual predator who’s too ethical to actually roofie you. Release a terrible rap song and let the skanks come a-flockin’. It’s the same method used by those terrifying fish with the little light bulbs in their mouths that attract dumber fish who have only ever lived in the dark…only in this case, the terrifying fish is just unnaturally muscled and the light bulb is his penis.

Are you ready for the poetry of the Situation? I don’t think you are, but I’ll give it to you anyway:

Grab some ass, drink some ‘yac/I don’t give a shit until I get my cash/Where the ladies at?

He’s collaborating with Fatman Scoop, Disco Fries, and DJ Class – all of which are probably just computer programs he played with in his Adult Vocational classes – for what he’s calling a “club banger” rather than a “rap song.” I’m crying bullshit on his distinction, though, because everyone knows rappers drink cognac and clubbers drink Jäger. Nice try, the Situation, but you’re going to have to GTL pretttty early in the morning to fool me.

Category: Jersey Shore, Moxie