The Effects Of Botox On Vocal Expression: A Monograph

Posted by Moxie on June 23rd, 2010

I think we should all just suck it up and admit that Bravo’s Real Housewives franchise attracts some of the finest musical talent that has ever graced the small screen. Try all you want to dissolve the sugar of rationalization in it…you know you’re still drinking bitter, bitter haterade. I’ve selected the following examples of musical prowess to prove my point; they are presented in order of geniusosity:

First we have “Tardy for the Party” by Atlanta’s Kim Zolciak. Unfortunately, this is not the real video. Someone has taken it upon themselves to make a wholly fake, cruelly accurate video, instead. I would applaud them for their creativity if I wasn’t so disgusted with myself for not having done it first. Alas:

Zolciak’s use of the informal “tardy” adds a sense of playfulness to an otherwise stern rebuke. The consistency of the title’s informal rhyme also shows a flair for wordplay that even John Donne and Lil Wayne would find impressive.

Next up is the latest entry to the pantheon of Euterpean pleasures: Danielle Staub of the Real Housewives of New Jersey. I think it will suffice to say to that typing those five words gives me a syphilitic tingle of pleasure that can be cured by nothing (nay, not even more cowbell) except for some faux-lesbian warbling:

The tender way she nuzzles noted Garden State lesbian Lori Michaels utterly belies any scurrilous rumors that Danielle’s obviously only doing this for the publicity. I fully support their relationship, as both a gay advocate and a believer that children should grow up in a household where no more than one of the parents is a harpy with narcissistic personality disorder.

Finally, we have the queen of reality-based pop music. Her official title might only rank her as a Countess, but Luann de Lesseps certainly rises above her status as the ex-fourth-trophy-wife of a minor nobleman from a notoriously egalitarian country. In this nearly unsurpassable debut, the Countess graciously shares some of the social wisdom she has acquired in her many decades upon this unworthy planet:

Oh. Oh, my. It’s…it’s just as scrumtrulescent as the first time. Not even RuPaul’s finest drag queen could win in a race against the Countess. Stendahl Syndrome is a small price to pay for such an experience, as are the bloody tears wept from my various orifices.

I hope the other Housewives are taking notes from their colleagues on how to fulfill their potential. Although I remain skeptical about their ability to outshine the Countess, I welcome their attempts. And who knows; should Theresa Giudice choose to express the pain of her recent, totally unforeseeable financial woes through a mash-up of Jay-Z’s “Hard Knock Life” and Biggie’s “Mo Money Mo Problems,” I cannot say I would be averse to such an effort.

Category: Moxie, Music Video, Real Housewives of New Jersey, Reality TV, The Real Housewives of New York