Leo DiCaprio Is Responsible For The Second Coming Of Christ

Posted by Moxie on August 30th, 2010

CENTURY CITY, CA - MAY 9:  Actor Leonardo DiCaprio was honored with the Green Cross Millennium Award during the Seventh Annual Green Cross Millenniumm Awards at the St Regis Hotel on May 9, 2003 in Century City, California.  (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

I mean, I guess he’s an okay actor, but I wouldn’t assign him Biblical powers, despite what Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows are trying to hypnotize me into thinking. But according to one Livia Bistriceanu, DiCaprio is fated to be her husband, as well as the father of various people’s Lord and Savior. The actor’s attorney turned in several handwritten letters to the Los Angeles County Superior Court as evidence of Bistriceanu’s batshit insanity:

“You wrote to me 2 years ago that you love me and you don’t love another women [sic]. You said I talk to you soon and it past 2 years already and still you don’t want to talk to me. Why?”

“Do you want to be with me for real and to be the father of Jesus? I’ve explained you I can’t be with nobody virtually. I have to have a father in reality for Jesus not like this.”

“Why do you f*k me virtually and you don’t leave me alone?”

Bistriceanu has in the past been ordered to stay more than a 100 yards from DiCaprio at all times, but in court documents, Leo says that she knows where he lives and has tried to make physical contact with him, believing that she is his wife and pregnant with their child, Jesus. He says,

“I am frightened of Ms. Bistriceanu and feel that my personal safety, and the personal safety of those around me, is in jeopardy.”

Understandable, seeing as how she’s nuttier than a cheese log, and you can never take these things too seriously. However, as someone who minored in Psychology, might I suggest a solution? Here it is: let Ms. Bistriceanu get reaaaaal close and let her take a good, hard look at you. Once she sees how freakishly globular your giant head is, there’s no way she’ll want to push a similar melon out of her ladyparts, even if it will have the power to turn water into grape Kool-Aid or whatever. Problem solved.

Category: Celebrity Stalkers, Leonardo DiCaprio, Moxie