Heidi Montage Has Millions Of Sex Tapes

Posted by Moxie on August 22nd, 2010

41150, MALIBU, CALIFORNIA - Wednesday June 2, 2010. Spencer Pratt, channeling his inner mountain man, deals with the split from wife Heidi Montag by going for a solo run on the trails in Malibu. The heavily bearded reality star is seen in complete hiking attire, holding onto a walkie talkie and a water bottle. Montag has allegedly initiated legal separation from Pratt, her husband of one year, and has reportedly moved in with friend Jen Bunney. Photograph: Pedro Andrade / Kevin Perkins, PacificCoastNews.com

Guh, Spencer Pratt. He’s just…blerg. If I ever met him him face-to-face, I’d tie him to a park bench and use duct tape to rip out every single hair in his disgusting pube-beard.

Instead of taking his impending divorce like a man, G.I. Crazypants has decided to shop around sex tapes featuring his soon-to-be-ex wife Heidi. One of the tapes supposedly features Speidi in action, and although Spencer says Heidi makes “Kim Kardashian look like an amateur [who specializes in interracial scenes and watersports – ed.],” he fails to answer two important questions:

1. Is the tape before or after Heidi fixed her Leno-chin and got circus-tits?

2. How did they have sex when all Spencer has is a smooth, plastic bulge where his junk should be?

The second tape is allegedly of Heidi and Playboy Playmate Karissa Shannon. Creepily, the two girls look enough alike to be sisters from another mister (if the mister in question is Mr. Plasticine of the Plasticine Fun-Time Factory). Interestingly, Karissa isn’t denying the existence of the tape (which Spencer found while cleaning out his and Heidi’s home), but she is saying that she doubts he has it and that she’ll sue him for all the crystals he’s worth if he tries to release it.

Heidi’s camp hasn’t said anything either way about the tapes, but according to someone close to her, Heidi’s really upset because she’s so Christian. Uh-huh. Honestly, H, if God hasn’t smote you by now, I think you’re probably all right. He’s probably just thanking Himself that you never actually bred with that lunatic.

Category: Celebrity Breakups, Celebrity sex tapes, Heidi Montag, Kim Kardashian, Moxie, Spencer Pratt