5 Celebrities Who Should Spy on Their Spouses

Mariah Carey may have a new boy toy and Nick Cannon is understandably worried. Here’s a list of 5 other celebrities who should definitely be worried about their significant others leaving them [all photos from INFdaily.com]:

LeAnn Rimes
Husband stealer. She hasn’t been relevant in about thirteen years, and weighs about 27 pounds less than the average housecat. She probably doesn’t let Eddie Cibrian go anywhere alone. Poor guy.

Tom Cruise
Katie Holmes’ contract to be married to Tom is just about up. And Suri’s mind control powers are weakening as she gets older. Katie has grown tired of being a cyborg. Not to mention Scientology is crazy.

Maggie Gyllenhaal
Never mind. I forgot that no one actually cares about her or Peter Sarsgaard. Sorry for the inclusion here.

Joel Madden
Two kids way too close together. One of them is actually named Sparrow (his idea). Unattractive, not even remotely cool, tattoos on his neck and he has no actual human chin. She just got a boob job. Man, if they split up, what’s going to happen to Harlow? And little Sparrow. Yep, photographic evidence proves he is a boy. His life is going to suck.

Derek Jeter
Any man that actually dumps Minka Kelly…dumps her (!!) deserves to be alone forever. When you’ve been to the mountaintop, you don’t release her back into the wild; because she wanted to (gasp) marry you! Good luck trawling local junior high schools for your next prospect. P.S. you’re almost forty and your hairline is running off of your head.

If you liked this guest post by John you can find more by him at Celebutaunt where he is a regular contributor. If you REALLY liked it you can let him know on Twitter: @johnnival.