10 Jersey Shore Fashion Crimes

Posted by Rebecca on August 5th, 2010

Jersey Shore is TV crack cocaine. As soon as we tried it, we couldn’t get enough. Though I’m ashamed to say I watch the show, I’m not ashamed to say that I wholeheartedly disagree with this whole Guido/Guidette fashion direction. I mean, does everyone want to look like a living, walking anus? Apparently so. And here are ten fashion trends that make me wanna vomit in my mouth.

1. The Pouf/”The Snooki

Nicole Polizzi Snooki and her misfit crew from MTV's Jersey Shore  visit ABC studio's this afternoon in New York, New York on July 06, 2010 Fame Pictures, Inc

Of course a gigantic ball of greasy, thick-like-pubes hair accentuating one’s cranium is in right now. WHY NOT? It’s ugly and makes you look like you’re covering up a head wound. Snooki- this may be your trademark because you’re like 4’1, but it isn’t going to fly on us non-elvin folk.


2. Wonky Tits

41361, WEST HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA - Monday June 7 2010. Jersey Shore star JWoww visits West Hollywood's Trousdale club with her co-stars. The curvaceous star - real name Jenni Farley - has just launched her own clothing range called Filthy Couture. Photograph:  Hellmuth Dominguez, PacificCoastNews.com

I don’t know who did JWoww’s plastic surgery. Ripley from Aliens? My fourth grade cousin? Because these tits look cut and pasted in a way that boggles the mind. I mean, I know they’re tits, and they’re supposed to be (gulp) HOT…but jesus christ, can you get them right (I’m also talking to you, Audrina Patridge).

3. Shitty Tattoos

43154, SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NEW JERSEY - Saturday July 31, 2010. Vinny and DJ Pauly D go shirtless at the beach, attracting attention from beachgoers around them, as they film a scene for Season 3 of Jersey Shore . Photograph:  Wagner Az, PacificCoastNews.com

If I never see anything etched in gaudy old english I will be a HAPPY WOMAN. Seriously, do these people realize Tattoos are permanent? I know you like tweety bird and chinese lettering, but take a BREATH, think about the decision you’re making, and take a couple of Jagerbombs. I guarantee you’ll feel slightly less douchey in the morning.

4. Not-So-Ironic Tee Shirts

43219, SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NEW JERSEY - Tuesday August 3, 2010 Vinny of MTV's Jersey Shore seen wearing an I heart soccer moms t-shirt while heading back to the house in Seaside Heights, NJ. Photograph:  Wagner Az, PacificCoastNews.com

Ah, look at you, Vinnie! The most boring member of the Jersey Shore finally has something to say: that he wants to have sex with older women. And he probably has a long sleeve one for before the clubs, one tank for daywear and a silken one for getting Krunk. Well, at least it isn’t in old english.


5. Whatever that hair is.

UNIVERSAL CITY, CA - JUNE 06: Pauly Del Vecchio poses in the press room at the 2010 MTV Movie Awards held at the Gibson Amphitheatre at Universal Studios on June 6, 2010 in Universal City, California. (Photo by Jason Merritt/Getty Images)

I never, ever though that this weird, Super Mario World reminiscent hair was EVER in style, but for some reason because it’s sitting on the scalp of a huge douchenozzle it’s suddenly okay. I’m also against this hair because all the spray and gel is bad for the environment! You hear that, DJ Pauly D? Can you? Or is your hummer too loud?

6. An Overbake

42473, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Sunday July 11, 2010. Nicole Snooki Polizzi and Jenni JWoww Farley, from MTV's hit reality show Jersey Shore are spotted leaving Madeo restaurant after having dinner with the rest of their cast mates. JWoww debuted a new bathing suit line last week, called Filthy Couture. Photograph:  Anthony, PacificCoastNews.com

I don’t care if it comes from the beach, the salon, that mystic thing where they hose you down like an elephant- that shit is WHACK. Apparently, it’s a race to see who can look older and blacker…and Snooki is in the lead. Until she drunk-cries, and then most of it dribbles onto her Ed Hardy strapless.


7. Graphic Overload

04 June 2010 - Las Vegas, Nevada - Mike The Situation Sorrentino.  TheSituation from Jersey Shore Celebrates Independence Day at Rehab at the Hard Rock Resort Hotel and Casino. Photo Credit: MJT/AdMedia


Are we trying to confuse/overstimulate the Guidettes into sleeping with you, Situation? Super, because I’m about to get motion sickness from your ensemble. I mean, one douchey print is enough, but coupling with an equally douchey shorts? Overkill.


8. Accessories Bigger than Your Own Body

The cast of Jersey Shore film and celebrate Cinco De Mayo in Miami, FL on May 5, 2010. Pictured: Nicole Snooki Polizzi Fame Pictures, Inc

You know when to say no to a cute bag, necklace or odd corona bottle? When it’s mass eclipses yours. Seriously, Snooki, can’t you get one of your handlers to carry that? Hey, if you got into a gunfight you could hide behind that gigantic bottle.


9. White Eyeshadow

41334, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Sunday June 6 2010. Jersey Shore reality TV star Angelina Pivarnick leaves Katy Perry's MTV Movie aftershow party at Las Palmas in Hollywood. Photograph:  Josephine Santos, PacificCoastNews.com

White eyeshadow? As if other colors didn’t exist? What are we, in the 1970’s/early 80’s? If so, I need to see some jelly shoes and jersey knit tops STAT. So, Angelina, next time you say you’re the Kim Kardashian of Staten Island, how about hair extensions instead? As Nancy Reagan said, “Just say NO to white makeup!”

10. Big ‘Ol Seventies Collars

Photo by: AJM/AAD/starmaxinc.com 2010 5/28/10 Ronnie Magro of Jersey Shore hosts Friday Night at JET Nightclub at the Mirage Hotel and Casino. (Las Vegas, Nevada) Photo via Newscom

Hey John Travolta circa 1970, what’s happening? Love that orange against your skin. Couldn’t find anything else in that big closet of yours? Sick of Ed Hardy? Oh, how about something both dated AND unflattering? Check.

So, y’all, you’ve been warned! Jersey Shore may be hot, but the clothing…so not.

Category: Celebrity Photos, Jersey Shore, Lists, Snooki, Television